10 months later...

So its been quite a while since I wrote last. Good news, my baby girl is now sleeping through the night! :) Well, she's transformed into a toddler and has been sleeping through the night for quite awhile now. Soon, though, we will be entering the world of sleepless nights once again once baby boy Perkins arives. Only 8 more weeks to the due date (March 24), and these last few weeks I know will fly by. We are very excited and nervous to meet him, and have finally settled on a name, I think. But you won't know until he is born, we're keeping it to ourselves for now, just in case we change our minds... again.

Selah is now 19 months old, and quite a handful. She provides us with lots of entertainment, and constantly makes me laugh. She is so sweet, and also so stubborn. Her favorite word right now is "No" said with the attitude and furrowed brow only a toddler can have. I love watching her grow into her personality, she is such a social butterfly and loves to be around other kids/people, often walking right up to a kid she doesn't know and giving them a hug as that other child just stands there motionless trying to figure out why this little person is touching them. On the other hand, she also loves to have her alone time and be able to explore things on her own. I can't imagine loving another child as much as I do her, but I think I will soon find out that it is possible.

I am still not always so confident of my parenting abilities, and it just gets harder the older Selah gets. Everytime we are in the nursery at church together and she smacks another child, I cringe in embarrassment, afraid of the judgment from the other workers there. I think that I probably judge myself a lot more than anyone else really does. Why do we put so much expectation on ourselves? Every mom was a new mom at some point in time, so we really should show grace and love towards each other, right?

More than two years later and I still always fall back on that one phrase. And it just becomes more true everyday.

"I find comfort in the Lord, knowing that He is confident in me".

He's perfect in my imperfections

I finally had the chance to enjoy some alone time tonight. It was just me, my bible, my journal, a bowl of chicken noodle soup and hot tea. It was glorious. My alone time is very important to me, I can't survive without it. Selah's naps have only been 1/2 hour long at best lately and that doesn't give me much time to myself, especially when there are a thousand things screaming at me to get done. And it never ends.

But tonight, tonight my amazing husband put my daughter to bed so I could spend some time alone. I love him.

I was looking through my journal that has been rejected for too long and found an entry from when I was 12 weeks pregnant with Selah. To preempt this a little bit, I sometimes am not so confident in my ability to parent. The biggest struggle for me is night. She still wakes up about 3 times a night. I am a heavy sleeper, and it has always been hard for me to be woken up. I am not complaining, its just been a struggle for me. Anyways, add that on top of every opposing view on how to parent and assumed expectations, it makes parenting a stressful job.

"I find comfort in the Lord, knowing that He is confident in me."

This is what I wrote at 12 weeks prego. I was worried about my ability to be a good parent. "I find comfort in the Lord, knowing that He is confident in me. " I needed to be reminded of that. He is confident in my ability to raise Selah as a functioning piece of society. He is confident in my ability to show her what love is. He is confident in my ability to choose what is right for our family. He is confident in me. HE is confident in me. He is confident in me. He is confident in me.

I do have to say, though, that the Lord is so faithful. I can only rely on His Grace and Mercy in the middle of the night. When I realize that and fully rely on Him to help me wake up and take care of Selah, instead of trying to do it in my own power (which I completely fail at), His Grace shines through my ugliness. If I ask for His grace, He freely gives.

Please pray for me as I continue on this journey as mom, and struggle sometimes to wake up in the middle of the night, and I will pray for my friends who are on the same road! Love you and blessings.